[the bar-kays' "too hot to stop" playing]
# whoo! #
# yeah #
# hey #
# oh, yeah #
# i've been havin' my eyes on you #
# for a while #
# girl, it's somethin' 'bout your act #
# and I sure do like your style #
# maybe it's the way that you carry yourself #
# or maybe it's the way that you wear your hair #
# you move with the feelin' #
# and you sure know how #
# girl, i'm out to get your love #
# and i'm too hot to stop now #
# yeah # # yeah #
# hey # # hey #
# yeah #
# ow! #
# ya-hey #
# whoo, whoo yeah-ha #
# gettin' next to you # # oh, yeah #
# is what I want to do #
# ooh-ooh-ooh # # yeah, yeah, yeah #
# baby # # gettin' next to you #
# is what I want to do #
[cell phone vibrates]
Yo.
Hey, I was doing some research for next year,
And I think I figured out which website I wanna subscribe to.
The vag-tastic voyage.
Which one is the vag-tastic voyage?
The vag-tastic voyage is the one
Where they find random girls on the street,
And they invite them into a van,
And then they bang them once they're on the van.
It's like 13 bucks a month,
And you get access to a bunch of other sites.
Like one's latina, one's asian, uh, you know,
There's one for fetishes, like feet and pee-pee and shit
And stuff like that.
That's disgusting. You're like an animal.
I'm-- what? I'm disgusting?
You're the weird one, man.
Don't make me feel weird 'cause I like porn.
You're weird for not liking porn. I'm normal as shit.
But peeing on people? That's normal?
Evan,
I'm not saying i'm gonna look at it.
I'm just saying that it comes with the site, okay?
I don't know what i'm gonna be into 10 years from now.
I'm just sick of all the amateur stuff, you know?
I mean, like, if i'm paying top dollar,
I want a little production value.
Like some editing, transition, something. Some music.
Yeah, you know, well, i'm sorry, evan,
That the coen brothers don't direct the porn that I watch.
They're hard to get ahold of, okay?
Your parents are gonna be looking at the bill, dipshit.
Yeah, you're right.
I probably should pick the one
With the least dirty-sounding name.
Uh...
What about, like, perfect ten?
Something like that, you know?
Like perfect ten?
Because that could be any number of things, you know?
They can't really get you for that.
That could be, like, a bowling website.
Yeah, but they don't really show dick going in,
Which is a huge concern. I didn't realize that.
Plus, have you ever seen a vagina by itself?
Not for me.
Hi.
Thanks for taking him, seth.
No-- no problem, jane. How are you?
Good.
Beautiful.
[scanning radio stations]
Don't touch that. What are you--? I'm not
A piece of meat.
Jane: You two are funny.
I can't imagine what you're gonna do
Without each other next year.
Evan told me you didn't get into dartmouth.
I got into some schools,
Some pretty good ones, so i'll be fine.
You gonna miss each other?
No. Miss each other? No, thank you.
I don't-- I don't miss each other.
Yeah, i'm gonna cry myself to sleep every night...
Me too. ...When i'm out partying.
Go to school, boys.
Bye, mom. Bye, jane.
I am...Truly jealous
You got to suck on those tits when you were a baby.
Yeah, well, at least you got to suck on your dad's dick.
[the bar-kays' "soul finger" playing]
Evan: Hey, seth, wait-- you can't park in the faculty lot.
Seth: Don't be such a vagine, man.
I gotta get a red bull before class.
You know, you're being an idiot, man.
You shouldn't have parked there.
Fuck it. I'm about to graduate.
They should be sucking on my ball sac.
It's the least they could do for stealing three years of my life.
[seth whistles]
Seth: Oh, fuck me.
Evan: Look at those nipples.
They're like little baby toes.
Evan: It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff,
When I have to hide every erection I get.
You know what I do?
I flip my boner up into my waistband.
It hides it, and it feels awesome.
I almost blew a load into my bellybutton.
I mean, just imagine if girls weren't weirded out
By our boners and stuff,
And just, like, wanted to see them.
I mean, you know, that's the world
I one day wanna live in.
You know, it's been two years since i've seen
An actual human female nipple.
Shauna? Shauna was two years ago now?
Seth: Yeah.
Yeah, I guess so. But she was insanely hot.
Exactly. She was too hot, okay?
That's what sucks.
How can that possibly suck?
I'd be psyched if I got with her.
You got, like, two dozen handjobs.
And three-quarters of a blowjob, but who's counting, evan?
Look, it was the peak of my ass-getting career,
And it happened way, way too early.
You're like orson welles.
Exactly! If I had paced myself,
I'd be having at least steady sex
With a decent-looking girl.
I honestly see now why orson welles ate his fat ass to death.
Well, you'll have sex in college. Everyone does.
Yes, but the point is to be good at sex
By the time you get to college.
You don't want girls thinking you suck dick at fucking pussy.
I still think you have a chance with jules, man.
And-- and she got incredibly hot over last summer,
And she obviously hasn't realized it yet,
'cause she's still always talking to you
And flirting with you.
Are you out of your mind?
Look at jules' dating record, okay?
She dated dan remick, who's had a six-pack since,
Like, kindergarten.
Jason stone, who looks like fucking zack morris.
And matt muir.
Matt muir, he's the sweetest guy ever.
Have you ever stared into his eyes?
It was like the first time I heard the beatles.
Why would she end her high-school career with me?
Becca dated eric rosecrantz for, like, two years.
Yeah, but that guy's a fucking idiot.
You're actually a step up from that dick-load.
That's why you need to stop-- will you get this for me?
That's why you need to stop being a pussy and nail her.
You could bang her for two months before you leave.
And i'm not gonna dance around it,
She looks like a good fucker.
All right, i'm tired of you talking about her like that.
What, you can talk about her all day, every day,
And the second I say one thing, it's blasphemy?
Yeah, well, I don't constantly insult her.
I'm not trying to insult her.
I'm just saying that she looks like a good fucker, okay?
She looks like she could take a dick.
Some women pride themselves on their dick-taking abilities.
Dick-taking abilities?
Do you think that's a good thing to say about someone?
The fucked-up thing is, I actually do, okay?
If some woman tried to compliment me
On my dick-giving abilities, i'd be psyched.
Hey, yo, seth.
What?
Hear i'm having a big grad party next Saturday?
No. Yeah.
[hawks]
[laughter] boy: Oh, shit!
Jesse: You're not coming.
Tell your fucking faggot friend
He can't come either.
[jesse hawking]
[laughs]
So jesse wanted me to tell you
That you're a fucking faggot and you can't come to his party.
You know, you really bitched out back there, man.
I bitched out?
You bitched out, man, you fucking judas.
Fucking left me hanging over there.
Did you want me to dive in front of his spit?
# yo #
[whistle blows]
Come on, guys, let's go!
[whistle blows]
[panting]
[breathlessly] this is bullshit.
# pussy #
If I equals the square root of negative one,
Then I squared equals negative one.
Okay?
In other words, if you consider I as a constant,
You can then define the square roots
Of all the negative numbers.
So I is an imaginary number. It doesn't really exist.
If I equals the square root of negative one,
Then I squared equals negative one.
[bell rings] is this making s--? Okay.
[indistinct chatter]
Girl: Okay, bye. Evan!
Evan, hey. Hey, becca.
Hey, uh, thank you for your pen.
No problem. No, no, don't worry. No worries. You just keep it.
It'll be yours. You won't have to borrow one again
'cause you'll have that one.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome. That's...
Don't worry about it.
So I was gonna ask you,
Did you hear about jesse's grad party next weekend?
It should be fun.
I heard. I, uh-- it's a maybe...
Really? ...For me at the moment.
Um, my r.S.V.P.-- Just a maybe?
So far.
There's so much other fun shit
That's gonna be happening that night
That I can't really commit and, you know,
Hurt someone's feelings. Fun shit?
But I-- I never see you at parties or anything.
That's because of all the other fun shit i'm off doing.
I'd love to be at all of them, but...
So why weren't you at dimitri's on Saturday?
There was so many things going on. I couldn't find a minute...
What did you do? ...To make an appearance there.
Um, Saturday was actually a crazy night for me.
Aaah... Agh!
Evan: I had some friends over, and we had a few drinks.
All: That's vag-tastic!
Evan: I hung out in my basement,
The chill zone, that's where we chill-lax.
Like "relax" and "chill" all at once.
Aw! Oh!
Seth's parents were throwing a party.
We got to hang around adults,
Which was a nice change of pace, you know.
You-- you converse, you talk to people,
And they have interesting stories.
I talked to a man who claimed
He had climbed five mountains in his life.
Wow. And then we went to a nightclub,
Which was incredible.
This big, fancy one.
Gonna look at tits right now!
"i'm feeling crazy." I said that.
Becca: You got in? Evan: We got right in.
Wanna do this, 'roid monkey?
Fuck you!
Then we called it a night.
We were all just really exhausted.
Oh! What the fuck?!
You would've loved it.
It was an incredible, unbelievable night.
That sounds like a lot of fun.
You know, I-- i'd love to go do something like that sometime.
Oh, who wouldn't? I mean, it was like...
Me and seth are always kind of cooking up these fun,
Sort of, little, you know, events.
So I guess you guys are really gonna go crazy
Next year together.
Um, we were going to,
But we got into different schools.
Really? That sucks.
Yeah, I mean, it's not too bad.
I mean, it should be okay.
I'm not too worried about it, really.
Don't worry about it. I'm not worried at all.
All right, well, thank you for the pen.
Yeah. No problem.
Bye.
Bye, evan.
[speaking indistinctly]
Mrs. Hayworth, I joined this class
Because i'd be cooking with a partner.
But she's never here, and I don't get
Twice the grades for doing all the work.
I didn't invent odd numbers, seth.
I know, but look at evan, okay? Just look at him.
Hey, don't keep me waiting much longer.
I'm getting impatient up here.
Heh. You know what i'm talking about.
Miroki, you're embarrassing me.
I'm over here in my unit, isolated and alone,
Eating my terrible-tasting food, and I gotta look over at that.
Looks like the most fun i've ever seen in my entire life.
And it's b.S. Excuse my language.
I'm just saying that I wash and dry.
I'm like a single mother.
Look, we all know home ec is a joke, no offense.
It's just, like, everyone takes this class to get an a.
It's bullshit, and i'm sorry.
And i'm not putting down your profession,
But it's just the way I feel.
I don't wanna sit here all by myself
Cooking this shitty food-- no offense.
And I just think that I don't ever need to cook tiramisu.
When am I gonna need to cook tiramisu?
Am I gonna be a chef? No.
There's three weeks left in school.
Give me a fucking break.
I'm sorry for cursing.
All right, jules' partner isn't here today either.
Pair up with her. Station four.
Jules?
All right. I'll-- i'll give it another shot.
I'll give home ec another shot.
Hey, jules.
Your partner didn't come today?
That's kind of a personal question.
What? Nothing.
It's my attempt at humor.
I was just-- [laughs]
Oh, like cumming.
[laughs] like "cumming" cumming.
Ahh.
Wow. That was a little too far right there.
The gesture. [whines]
Yeah. That's pretty far. Yes.
Shit. I do that--
No, don't worry.
I'm-- i'm actually, uh, used to it.
My older brother... Says, like,
The nastiest shit.
Like, he called me "hymen" until I was 12.
Oh, that's-- that's sick.
I know. That's not even clever.
[laughs] I know.
You know, I would've gone with something
At least mildly entertaining.
You know, like-- like, "family jewels."
Or like "nuts."
Yeah, that's funny. [laughing]
That's a fucking funny joke.
Fucking funny.
[sighs] can't believe that.
Sorry. We gotta...
Mix it up.
[jean knight's "do me" playing]
# do me, baby #
# like you wanna #
# do me, baby #
# if you're gonna #
# love me, boy #
# any way you can #
# do me #
# like a natural man #
# this ain't nothin' #
# but another thing #
# oh, what you got, boy? #
# let me show you what it's gonna bring #
Yeah, hayworth will notice this,
If we cover it with chocolate.
The whole thing? Just dump it on. I'm serious.
Okay.
[laughs] and now it looks professional.
That's really impressive. It's beautifully done.
I think we're gonna get an a.
[laughs]
So, what are you doing tonight?
Probably nothing. Why?
I don't know. My parents are gone, so i'm having a party.
I don't really know how many people are gonna be there,
But you could stop by if you wanted to.
Yeah, I love parties.
Really?
I just don't really ever see you at them.
You know, it's a love-hate thing.
So, like, you know, right now, I really love them, though.
Yeah.
Good shit, right, miroki?
Mm-hm.
Yeah.
Hey, miroki, could we have a minute alone? Just-- thanks.
Dude, jules is having a fucking party.
Fogell: Hey!
Don't tell fogell about the party.
Gangsters. What's up, guys?
I was just walking down the hall,
And that nicola was right in front of me.
And she was wearing these tight white pants
With this black g-string,
And you could see right through the pants, man.
It was so sweet.
Uh, it's 10:33.
[stammers]
What?
I told her what time it was.
That's the coolest fucking story
I've ever heard in my entire life. Insane.
Can I hear it again? Do you have time?
Yeah, yeah, seth. I'll really gonna miss
Your knee-slappers when me and evan are at dartmouth.
While you guys are at dartmouth, i'll be over at state
Where the girls are half as smart
And thus twice as likely to fellash me.
What are you guys doing tonight? Asshole.
We got nothing. Nothing tonight, fogell.
No? Well if nothing comes up, we can get shitfaced again.
You're always calling me a pussy and whatnot,
But today you're wrong.
At lunch, i'm going to the same place mike snider went
To pick up my brand-new fake id.
Chicka-chicka, yeah, fake id, fake id. I'm tight.
That's insane. Evan was like, "I heard about this party.
We shouldn't tell fogell." I was like, "no, tell fogell."
You could buy us booze now. It's awesome.
Yeah, i'll-- sure, i'll buy the booze.
Yeah, man, we're gonna get our drinks on.
We're gonna party and get crunk and rock out, dude.
Hayworth: If you're not in this class, leave this class. Fogell!
Hi!
Okay. I'm-- gotta go. Evan: Well done, man.
Seriously. See you after class.
Did you tell that idiot you're not rooming with him?
Not yet. No. All right, well, you better.
That guy's the fucking anti-poon.
Seth, it's dishes time. What's the holdup?
We're getting a fake id, so...
It's not like a big deal. Wow.
That's cool.
But you guys have, like, four more years to go.
[laughs] so you wanna get to work?
Well, we got into different schools,
So... So--
So you're cutting the cord?
What's gonna happen? Nothing.
Jesus. What does everybody
Think is gonna happen?
The world's gonna explode if we don't spend
Every second together?
We're not dependent on each other.
You know?
It's like, we met when we were 8.
We were fine before then.
I was. I mean--
We don't do everything together.
No.
All right, I gotta take a piss.
My dick's not gonna shake itself. Come on, babe.
Oh, like--
[chuckles] he's a crackup.
I'm just gonna go over.
Well, at least we're getting a graduation party.
Thank god, man.
Oh, i'm excited. Mm-hm.
I would do terrible, disgusting things
To hook up with jules.
Unforgivable things. I hear you, man.
I'd give my middle nut to date becca.
Becca's a bitch.
You know what? I'm seriously getting fucking sick of you
Talking about her like that, frankly, if we can be honest.
Me too. Like, why do you hate her so much?
You've never given me a reason. I think you like her.
Fuck no, man! I hate becca.
Why, man?
Fine, evan. Here it comes.
When I was a little kid,
I kind of had this problem.
And it's not even that big of a deal.
Something like 8 percent of kids do it, but whatever. It's...
For some reason, I don't know why,
I would just kind of...
Sit around all day...
And draw pictures of dicks.
What?
Draw pictures of dicks.
Dicks?
Like a man dick?
Yeah. Like a man dick.
[#]
I'd just sit there for hours on end, drawing dicks.
I don't know what it was.
I couldn't touch the pen to a piece of paper
Without drawing the shape of a penis.
Evan: That's fucked.
Seth: It's really fucked up.
Here I am, this little kid,
And I can't stop drawing dicks
To save my own life.
All right. I mean, I don't see what this has to do with becca.
Just listen. Okay?
Your precious little becca
Sat next to me for all of fourth grade.
And in the classroom is where I did the majority
Of my illustrations.
I was very secretive about this whole dick operation
I had going on.
Even I thought I was fucking crazy.
Imagine what everyone else would think.
So I would stash all of my dick drawings
In this ghostbusters lunchbox that I had.
So one day i'm finishing up
This real big, veiny, triumphant bastard.
All of a sudden...
Pussy.
You hit becca's foot with your dick?
Yeah. I know.
[#]
Agh! Oh, my god!
Seth: She starts crying. She flips out.
And she rats me out to the principal.
He finds this ghostbusters lunchbox dick treasure chest,
And he fucking flips out.
He calls in my parents.
Turns out this principal
Is some religious fanatic,
And he thinks i'm possessed by some dick devil.
My parents make me see a therapist,
And he's asking me all these dick questions.
They made me stop eating foods that were shaped like dicks.
No hot dogs, no popsicles.
Know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds.
Yeah.
Well, I don't-- I-- that's really messed up.
Super gay.
Right, let's stop this madness. Let's just go get dessert.
No, I can't. I gotta go meet my counselor.
I'm picking out my classes for next year.
I gotta sit here and eat dessert alone,
Like i'm fucking steven glanzberg?
I gue-- yeah, I mean, what do you want me to do?
I don't know. Nothing. It's fine.
Just relax, man. I'll see you later.
That's fine. I'll be fine.
Hey, pussy.
Fuck off.
Just the one, though. Just the one. Not both.
Girl: I'll call andy and greg. Jules: Okay.
And i'll bring the '80s dance music.
[all giggle] yeah, yeah.
Seth! Hi. There you are. We were just talking about you.
Here I am. That's weird.
Yeah.
So you're coming to my party tonight, right?
'cause it's, like, fully on.
Yeah, why? Should I not come?
'cause I could think of other shit--
Oh, no. No. I-- I want you to come. I just, um--
You said something earlier about, like, a fake id
Or something, right?
Yeah, i'm gonna get one. For "sho," for "sho."
I'm getting that for "sho."
[jules laughs]
Can you get us booze?
Yeah. I can. I can get you guys alcohol.
Really? Seriously? Yes, for sure.
Oh, that would be awesome. Thank you.
Because we're worried about that.
That would be great.
Plus, you know, you scratch our backs,
We'll scratch yours.
Well, jules, the funny thing about my back is,
Is that it's located on my cock.
[laughs] [chuckles]
So you do want alcohol?
You want some sort of alcohol, or no?
You do or you don't? You do want alcohol.
Um, y-yeah. You need some.
Either way.
Well-- either way. Either way's fine.
This is actually kind of a big favor.
'cause my parents left me like 100 bucks
To, uh, feed myself for the week.
You know, but the house is full of food,
So I just thought i'd spend it all
On, you know, extra drinks for the party, so...
Yeah, that's really nice.
I don't think i've ever done anything that nice.
It's cool? Yeah.
Okay. Thank you. Awesome.
I mean, seriously, that's really--
That's nice of you. Thank you.
So should I just, uh, get a shitload of different shit?
[chuckles] well, you gotta get me
Some kyle's killer lemonade.
Kyle's killer lemonade.
I-- that's kind of gay, but I can get it for you.
So, um-- killer.
Okay, so then we will see you tonight.
Coach: Go to the ball, guys.
Evan. Get into the game.
Kick it over to me.
Coach: Seth! Get off the field!
Dude, get out of here, they're gonna make me run laps again.
Dude, just fucking listen, okay?
Jules and her stupid fucking friend came up to me,
And they asked me to buy her alcohol.
But not just her, for her whole party.
You know what that means?
By some divine miracle, we were paired up,
And she actually thought of me.
Thought of me enough to decide I was the guy she would trust
With the whole fun-ness of her party.
She wants to fuck me.
She wants my dick in or around her mouth.
Did you think that maybe she's using you to get her alcohol?
She doesn't want your dick. Yes.
Of course I thought of that.
That's like the first thing that came to my mind.
My older brother always says like the nastiest shit.
Like he called me "hymen" until I was 12.
Seth, I want to blow you.
Man, she didn't say that. Come on.
All right, she didn't say the second part.
She's got an older brother.
She could have asked him, but she asked me.
She looked me in the eyes and said:
"seth, mom is making a pubie salad,
And I need some seth's own dressing."
She's d.T.F. She's down to fuck, man.
P in vagi. She wants to fuck, man.
Tonight is the night that fucking is
An actual possibility.
You just sound like an idiot.
You're not gonna be able to sleep with her.
No. Dude, I know I talk a lot of shit, okay?
But she's gonna be at the party and she's gonna be drunk,
And she likes me at least a little, enough to get with me.
At the very least, i'll make out with her.
Two weeks, handjob. Month, blowjob. Whatever.
And then I make her my girlfriend.
And i've got, like, two solid months of sex.
By the time college rolls around,
I'll be like the iron chef of pounding vag.
Can we talk about this later?
What the fuck, evan? We're down two points.
Fucking calm down, greg. It's soccer.
Fuck you, man.
Hey, why don't you go piss your pants again?
That was eight years ago, asshole.
People don't forget.
Do you want to hear the best part? Becca.
You do the same thing with her.
When you guys are shitfaced at the party, you get with her.
This is our last party as high-school people.
I've fully ignored my hatred for becca
In coming up with this plan.
I'm flexing nuts. Just fucking come with me
On this voyage, and just stop being
A pussy for once.
And we can fucking fuck some girls already.
I should buy becca alcohol?
Yeah. It'll be pimp!
That way you know she'll be drunk.
You know when you hear a girl saying:
"ah, I was so shitfaced last night.
I shouldn't have fucked that guy."
We could be that mistake!
Have you talked to fogell?
All right, you talk to becca.
I'll talk to that retard, fogell. Don't worry.
[whistle blows] coach: Seth, get off the field!
Goal.
You're getting that! No, i'm not!
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, becca. Hey. Hold up.
Oh, hey. Hey, um...
Hi, uh, did you--?
Did you hear about the party tonight?
Yeah. Yeah, I just heard. It sounds awesome.
Yeah. Ahem. Yeah, i'm going.
Really? Yeah, i'm gonna go to it.
That's actually why I came looking for you.
Me and the guys are gonna go to a liquor store after class.
And I just thought, you know, if...
You needed someone to get you yours, I--
I could do that. I could be that person.
Yeah. Um--
Yeah, no, that would be great.
That would save me such a hassle,
'cause I was gonna beg my sister, but-- oh...
Could you get me, like, a bottle of goldslick vodka?
Yeah. That's the one with the little golden flakes in it?
Yeah. The girly one. That's classy.
Um, okay, well, i'll pay you back at the party, then.
No, no, you won't. No, it's my treat, miss.
Really? Yep, and that's that.
It's the first of many too, so get used to it, sister.
Oh, well, thank you.
Yeah, no problem. You--
Oh...
I'm sorry. That guy walked by--
It was an accident. It's okay.
I was gonna give you a nudge-- a punch, the friend thing.
I didn't mean--
Gaby: Hey, becca. Oh. Hey.
Hey. Gaby.
What's up, evan? Hey, gaby.
We should get to class. Becca: We're gonna go to class.
So I will see you tonight.
Okay. Really, don't worry.
Okay. Sorry.
Bye. Sorry.
# bye #
Sorry. Heh.
[#]
Where's that sack of shit, fogell?
He said he'd be here after lunch.
I'm here with my thumb up my ass.
I did it, dude. I-- I even offered to pay for it.
It was pimp. Like-- I feel like a pimp right now.
Like one of those pimps.
Whoa, that is fucking pimp.
That's what I was afraid of.
Why didn't I think of that? Shit!
[bell rings]
Sh-- we're screwed.
Okay? We're screwed. Okay.
That's what we fucking get for trusting fogell.
He pussied out. I know he pussied out.
What are you making?
I'm just drilling holes.
Last two weeks.
Fuck it.
What are we supposed to tell the girls?
That we couldn't do the one thing we promised,
Because we're dickless incompetents.
We're never gonna bone because of that used tampon, fogell.
How'd he get into dartmouth?
I don't get it. He's got shit for brains.
All right, how else can we get alcohol?
Fogell: Yo, guys! What's up?
Evan: Where have you been, man?
You almost gave me a goddamn heart attack.
Let me see it. Did you pussy out, or what?
No, no, man. I got it.
It's flawless. Check it.
Hawaii?
Evan: All right, that's good. It's hard to trace, I guess.
Wait, you changed your name to mclovin?
Yeah.
Mclovin?
What kind of a stupid name is that, fogell?
What, are you trying to be an irish r&b singer?
They let you pick any name you want when you get down there.
And you landed on mclovin?
Yeah, it was between that or mohammad.
Why the fuck would it be between that and mohammad?!
Why not just pick a common name like a normal person?
Mohammad is the most common name on earth.
Read a fucking book for once.
Have you ever met anyone named mohammad?
Have you ever met anyone named mclovin?
No, that's why you picked a dumb fucking name.
Fuck you. Seth: Give me that.
All right. You look like a future pedophile
In this picture, number one.
Number two, it doesn't even have a first name.
It just says mclovin!
Evan: What? One name?
One name? Wha--? Who are you, seal?
Seth: Fogell,
This id says you're 25 years old.
Why wouldn't you just put 21, man?
Seth, seth, seth. Listen up, ass-face.
Every day, hundreds of kids go into the liquor store
With their fake ids, and every single one says they're 21.
How many 21-year-olds you think there are in this town?
It's called fucking strategy.
Let's stay calm, okay? Let's not lose our heads.
I-it's a fine id. It'll-- it's gonna work.
It's passable, okay? This isn't terrible.
I mean, it's up to you, fogell.
This guy's gonna think, "here's a kid with a fake id,"
Or "here's mclovin, the 25-year-old
Hawaiian organ donor."
Okay? So what's it gonna be?
I am mclovin.
Yeah. No, you're not. No one's mclovin.
Mclovin's never existed, 'cause that's a made-up, dumb,
Fucking fairy-tale name, you fuck!
Jeez, man. It'll work. Give it a chance.
Did you move my--?
Where is my car?
Oh, my god, man.
Ugh. Didn't I tell you?
What did I say to you? I told you not to park here.
Why would you park in the staff parking lot?
Shut the fuck up, fogell.
I mean, 'cause you're not staff.
I know that, fagell! I know that!
Evan, let's go to your house.
Wait, are you guys still picking me up from work?
Can you answer me?
[#]
Seth: Man, don't you have any non-infant clothes?
It'll be fine. Yeah.
Why don't you just wear what you wore to school?
No, I can't do that.
I can't let jules see me in what I wore to school.
It's completely unbecoming.
No one's gotten a handjob in cargo shorts since nam.
Know why I have to kill these guys?
'cause you don't negotiate with terrorists.
Oh, really? Terrorism.
That's what we should be talking about right now.
Then why don't you go and get some of your own clothes?
That's the dumbest thing ever.
If I go home, my parents will see that my car's been towed,
And i'll be grounded.
These fucking terrorists multiply like bunnies.
Where did I leave the m16?
Do you have any bigger clothes, or do you only shop at babygap?
Fuck me! I can't--
That's fun. Why do they make that?
If you can't even...Win,
Then why am I fucking playing?
Do you wanna go see what my dad has?
[rick james' "bustin' out" playing]
# sing # # bustin' out #
# I don't thank you, girl #
# bustin' out #
# we're bustin' out of this #
# l7 square #
# freaks like you and I could never funk from there #
# we're bustin' out everybody come along #
# we're gonna dance on the funk #
[mouths] what the fuck?
# we're bustin' out on the funk #
What the hell is that?
It's a fucking vest, dumbass.
I'm trying to look older.
You look like pinocchio.
No, it's just a vest.
They got a lot of booze in there.
If we get it now, we can get
To the party faster with all jules' shit.
No way, man. I work there. They know i'm not 25.
Nobody said anything about you, dick-mouth.
You really fucked me on this one. So now...
I'm gonna steal the booze.
Don't-- don't do this.
I promise you i'll get the liquor later.
Mike snider's id always works. So will mine, man.
Mike snider's id doesn't have one fucking name on it! Okay?
I thought you dartmouth guys
Would be smart enough to understand that.
[scoffs]
Now seth's gotta pick up all the pieces.
He won't do it. Don't worry.
Oh, oh, I forgot to tell you, uh,
My mom said we can have the tv from the basement--
Shut the fuck up, man, he's gonna hear you.
Just be quiet. Wait until he goes away.
You still haven't told him that we're rooming together?
Fogell, shut the fuck up. All right?
And take off your vest. You look like aladdin.
Okay. You got it.
[muzak playing over speakers]
Hope piggy can run.
How old are you?
Twenty-two.
You certainly are. That'll be $80.
Oh. Okay. Cha.
Thank you kindly. Will that do?
Certainly will.
Thank you, seth.
Hey, thank you.
Seth: Oh.
You dropped your purse, ma'am.
Would you like some help with your groceries?
Well, that would be lovely, young man.
Would you like me to buy you alcohol?
That would be lovely.
Enjoy your remaining years.
I will.
Enjoy fucking jules.
I will.
Man: Don't do it, kid.
I never had a choice.
[#]
[yells]
You fucking killed her!
No!
[gasping]
Fogell: Where's all the stolen liquor, danny ocean?
Did you hide it up your butt?
Piss off! I was gonna do it, but there was a security breach.
You never would've done it.
Let's go to a liquor store
And watch your stupid id get rejected.
Wait, i'm gonna go put my vest back in my locker.
# gotta keep your eye on the passersby #
# better watch your step #
# 'cause you never know where the knife will go #
# and they ain't missed yet #
# the strong survive and they stay alive #
# and they're always cool #
# but that they never teach you in school #
# are you man enough? #
# big and bad enough? #
# are you gonna let 'em shoot you down?
# are you man enough? #
Evan: All right. Here we are. This is it.
You ready? Yeah? Yeah.
Here's the money and the list.
Change is yours. Keep the change.
Thank you. Uh, what's the list for?
The alcohol.
We're gonna get alcohol for the whole party, okay?
We put a lot of time into this list,
So don't fuck it up and get sambuca again.
It's perfect.
Ouzo, bourbon, spiced rum, goldslick...
Goldslick vodka. That's for becca.
Don't forget that, okay?
Raspberry vodka, scotch...
Oh, and kyle's killer lemonade. A six-pack.
This is a lot of stuff, man.
I don't know if I can get away with all this.
What difference does it make how much it is?
I don't know, man. I'm, like, really nervous.
[muttering] are you okay?
No, man. I should've wore the vest.
Calm down. No, no.
What the fuck are you doing?
What if-- what if I go in and they turn me down, man?
Then we're in the same exact place we're in now.
Who cares? It's fucking humiliating!
Everybody in the store sees them kicking me out.
What if they make me put the liquor back?
I can't do that. Evan: Oh, my god.
This whole thing is bigger than you, fogell!
So grow a pair of nuts,
And fucking walk in there and buy the alcohol!
What if I don't feel like it anymore, seth, what?
Then i'll fucking kill you, okay?
I'll get a knife and stab you through your fucking heart.
No, you can do this. Come on.
Killing me won't get you alcohol, jerk-off.
I'm the one with the fake id.
Then i'll cut your dumb fucking face off,
Throw it over mine, and get your id
And buy it my fucking self!
Oh, really?
You don't have the technology or the steady hands
To pull off a procedure like that, so ha!
Peace.
Fogell, just be cool, man. Get in and get out.
You're the hero.
Sorry.
[#]
[inaudible dialogue]
[heart beating]
Is there a problem here, sir? Mm-mm.
No, mm-mm. No problem whatsoever.
Sir, did you do this? On the floor?
No.
And you should really clean this up.
Someone could really hurt themselves.
Fuck my life.
We're so fucked. We're so fucked.
This plan's been fucked since jump street, man.
Okay, just calm down. Just calm down, all right?
Hey, so did you bring a condom? For tonight?
You brought a condom with you?
Yeah. I figured I might as well, you know?
I brought a little bottle of spermicidal lube too.
But you laughed in my face
When I said i'd be having sex tonight.
Yeah, that doesn't mean you shouldn't always be prepared.
You didn't even bring a condom?
No.
No, evan, that wasn't part of the plan.
I can't believe you did this without consulting with me.
Plan? We've never discussed, like, any plan,
But you keep saying we have a plan.
I had, like, a general outline. You know?
I was gonna go down on her for, like, several hours, okay?
She would love that. She'd be smitten by that.
She'd go out with that.
Or I dry hump the shit out of her leg.
Okay, well, I just-- I don't see the harm
In bringing one little condom.
And one little bottle of spermicidal lube?
Yeah, one little bottle of spermicidal lube.
Evan, that's psycho shit, man.
No, it's not.
That's like charles manson shit.
What, do you think becca's gonna be psyched
That you brought lube?
"oh, evan. Thank you for bringing
"that lube for my pussy.
"I never would've been able to handle
"your fucking four-inch dick
Inside my pussy without that gigantic bottle of lube."
Okay, that's-- that's enough. Fuck.
These girls are 18 years old, they're not dried-up old ladies.
They're good to go.
Then I won't bring the lube.
Don't make me feel like that.
Thought it was cool.
This is a nice kind.
Let me see that for a second.
An impressive kind. Actually is kind of cool.
That's cool. Fucking dumbass.
Lube? Oh, that's fine.
You bought lube? So you owe me 6 bucks.
I'm not walking over there to get it. And it exploded.
Hello...Mindy.
[whistling]
[clears throat]
[register beeping]
Heh. I love that stuff. Been drinking it for years.
You know, I heard they recently decided to add more hops to it.
Um, okay.
I'm gonna need to see some identification.
Really?
Makes me feel young again. Heh. There you go.
Ah, shit, it's cary hutchins.
She had the biggest tits i've ever seen.
Evan: Yeah, I heard she got breast-reduction surgery.
What? Making your tits smaller?
That's like slapping god across the face
For giving you a gorgeous gift.
She had back problems, man.
And it's not just making them smaller.
They completely reshape them.
They make 'em more supple and symmetrical.
I gotta catch a glimpse of these warlocks.
Let's make a move.
She's going around the corner.
Come on.
Okay. Your total is 96.59. [door opens]
[grunts]
[screaming]
I don't believe it!
Are you okay, mister?
Ow! What the shit was that?
[screaming]
Mindy: I don't believe it. I don't believe it!
I don't believe it.
I don't know, man. I think she looked better before.
But now that she can jog comfortably,
She's in the best shape she's ever been--
[#]
What is this? What's that?
Oh, man.
Holy shit, they busted fogell.
Seth: How did this happen, evan? Fuck, man!
His dad's gonna fucking kill him.
Mindy: Look, okay?
He assaulted the customer, grabbed the cash and ran out.
So...
How--? How--? How--? How--?
Say when, height-wise.
I'm gonna start up here, tell me when.
I'll start on the bottom and--
Whatever 5'10" is, he was 5'10".
Ethnically, I mean, did--
What--? Uh...
I mean, wa-- was he--? Was he like u-us, or--?
A woman?
Female? No.
Is that what you're asking? No, no. Was he--?
Like, uh... What? What?
African? Af-- af--
Was he african? African.
No. He was american, and he was like you.
He looked just like you.
He was jewish. Okay, jew.
It's an odd crime for a jew. Yeah, they're pretty docile.
Okay, so we have an african jew wearing a hoodie.
No. You don't. No.
No. That's not what I said.
Is that what you heard me say?
I said, he looked like you.
Do you look like an african jew?
No, I look like a cop.
Yeah.
[sighs]
He was caucasian.
Caucasian. Oh.
All right. Okay.
Well, touché.
Kind of looked like eminem.
Oh. Does that help you?
An m&m. Eminem-menem.
So he was circular--
Marshall mathers.
Eminem? The rapper.
Eminem.
Did he look like this?
I'm an amateur. I kind of--
'cause that kind of looks like an m&m.
Michaels: Longer face, bigger nose?
Would you say his mouth was wider...
Open? A gap?
Is there another squad car that's in the area,
That could probably be of further assistance? No.
I don't seem to be getting any.
Okay, so just walk me through again
What this guy did.
He-- he-- he-- he came in,
He was wielding a...
He was wielding something.
He hits the small gentleman in--
In the slacks.
And then he jumps over you,
He feels you up, violates you.
I did not say that.
No, he doesn't.
Look, I can't do this.
I told you already, I have an exam tomorrow.
Can you understand that?
I have a goddamn veterinary exam!
[whimpers]
Goddamn it. This is bullshit.
This is some bullshit.
I got an exam tomorrow. Forget this.
Well, apparently someone has an exam.
Michaels: How'd you know?
You. You're the one
That got punched? Yeah.
Okay.
First things first. What is your name?
Uh...
My name?
It's m-- mclov-- mclovin.
Mclovin?
Yeah. Mm-hm.
Now, what's your first name? What?
Your first name? My first name?
Te-- technically, I don't have a first name,
So-- so don't worry about my first name.
But we're the police.
Slater: We just wanna get the story straight.
Come on. Fuck, man.
Come on!
He must be so afraid.
I don't believe this bullshit.
I can't believe this is happening!
I didn't know you could get arrested for this shit.
We need that liquor.
Are they gonna, like, take him downtown?
Fuck fogell.
He got arrested, okay? We're on our own.
We need a new way to get liq--
Aw, fuck! The money, man!
Fuck! H-how much money can you get?
Why are you talking about money, man? What about fogell?
Wha--? That doesn't matter anymore.
I lost a hundred dollars of jules' money.
What are we gonna do, bust him out of jail?
Bake him a cake with a fucking file in it?!
Fuck fogell. We need a new way to get liquor,
Which is fucking impossible 'cause we don't have money.
All right, you just need to calm down.
We need to think for a second. We just need to think this out.
Fuck thinking, we need to act!
[tires screeching]
Whoa, seth!
What the fuck happened?
Just-- just get up. Slowly.
You all right? You okay?
Ah!
I am so sorry, man.
I am so sorry.
I didn't even effing see you at all, man.
Are you okay?
So it's just mclovin?
Yeah. Mm-hm.
That's badass.
That is badass.
Michaels: Really cool.
Lot of people with weird names nowadays.
Chingy. Shakira.
Rafe. Pax.
We arrested a man-lady who was legally named "fuck."
Think he was vietnamese, it was with a p-h.
But it's still pretty shocking to see on a license.
Okay, and, uh,
How old are you, mclovin?
Old enough.
Old enough for what?
To party.
Can I see your id?
Yeah, I think I have it.
[#]
[inaudible dialogue]
You're an organ donor.
[chuckling]
Wha--? What?
I didn't want to be one, but my wife insisted.
I always give him shit for it too. All the time.
I say, "it's just like a woman.
Even after you're dead they wanna tear your heart out."
They wanna tear your...
I say it weekly, and it's still funny.
It still makes me laugh.
Really funny. There you go.
I'm s-- i'm sorry, guys. I don't--
I don't really have any information.
He just hit me, and I didn't really see
What he looked like.
I don't know if I can help you.
You in a hurry or something?
Yeah. Kinda had to catch that bus.
Where were you headed?
Uh, near 13th and granville.
We can take you there. Yeah.
Get your information on the way.
Why waste 2 bucks? Yeah.
We'll take you. No problem.
Please, please don't report me, man.
We can figure this out. We can figure this out.
Why the fuck wouldn't I report you?
You just hit me with your car.
[sighs]
Because i'll do anything.
Please, okay?
Anything. Like literally...
Fucking anything.
Name anything.
Name it. Name it.
[sighs]
All right, look.
All right, man.
All right.
Listen, you can trust me, okay?
I'm gonna be totally honest with you.
I have a warrant out for a totally nonviolent crime.
Okay? There.
Mercy street, guys.
Well, i'll be honest with you for a second. Okay.
You better get us a shitload of cash
Or a shitload of alcohol,
Or you're going to fucking prison.
What are you doing, man? That's-- you don't need to--
No, let's not-- let's hang on a second here.
Cough it up. Fine.
I don't know if we should be doing anything
Too official. Let's work together.
We're working together. It's like let's make a deal.
Seven bucks?
Are you fucking serious? This isn't enough for anything.
What are you, a 6 year old?
It's all I have, man. It's all I have.
Well, you better think of something quickly.
[shouting] ow! My back! No, no, no, no.
Cops, my back. Wait, wait, wait. Don't do that.
All right, listen. I can get you alcohol.
I'm going over to this party right now, bro, okay?
It's got booze, it's got girls.
Booze and girls equals...
I don't know. Do you?
I think you do. Do you?
Yes. That's a definite yes.
Definite yes, then.
Just give me one sec to talk to him. Stay right here.
Yeah, yeah, do what you gotta do. Stay right here.
I'll be over by the car. It's cool.
Just talk it out.
Hey. I'm a nice guy.
Come on.
It's great. What are you thinking, man?
What are you doing?
What? I lost jules' money.
Fogell's dead to us now.
We don't have any other choices. Let's go.
I don't like this idea at all.
This guy's fucking creepy, man. Look at him.
What? He looks like a guy. That's what guys look like.
What is your problem?
You guys know a guy named jimmy?
You totally look like his brother.
You totally look like his brother, man.
You do.
You promised becca you'd get her alcohol.
If you don't, she's gonna have a shitty night.
That's all i'm saying. Come on.
[#]
We, uh, bingo bango, ready to go-go.
Michaels: Good luck on your exam tomorrow.
Slater: Good luck on your exam. You don't wanna ride the bus.
Buses smell like piss, generally. You know why?
Fogell: Why? People piss on 'em.
[cops laugh]
You know, uh, ahem...
One of you bros
Could've come up and sat up with me.
We're fine back here.
Back's fine.
Safe in the back seat.
[cell phone vibrating]
Oh. Oh, my god! Man: What's up?
Hey, jules.
Who is it? Who's on the phone?
Seth. Hey, where are you?
I'm-- i'm in a cab right now, on the way to a liquor store.
Oh, yeah, good. I can't wait for you to get here.
Well, I hope your friends are ready to get fucked up.
I'm sure they will be.
Okay, i'll see you soon. Peace.
Oh, man! Dude, this is crazy.
She called, she said,
"I can't wait for you to get there."
Man: That sounds like she fully wants it, man!
Oh, yeah!
Who's gonna give it to her, huh, my man? You. That's who.
[chuckling] man.
You guys on myspace, or...?
[the remains' "why do I cry?" playing over speakers]
[humming]
# I would lose all my blues if you promise... #
Um, officers? Cops: Mm?
I can, uh, answer those questions now if you want me to.
We get the gist of it.
You were buying beer, some guys punched you.
Don't worry about it. We're not gonna find 'em.
Case closed.
Um, but it was only--
Whoop.
[siren wailing]
[tires screeching]
[siren stops] [both laugh]
But it was only one guy.
Only one guy? Shit.
How am I supposed to find one guy?
This job really isn't how, you know,
Shows like csi make it out to be. Mm.
I mean, when I first joined the force, I assumed
There was semen on everything,
And there was some, like, huge semen database
That had every bad guy's semen in it.
There isn't. That doesn't exist.
I often go to sleep and dream of
Waking up in a world where everything
Is covered in semen.
I mean, who doesn't?
It'd be nice.
Like that crime scene today. Yeah.
If the man had ejaculated and then punched you in the face,
We'd have a real good shot at catching him.
No way. Just punched in the face, no semen.
Yeah, no semen.
Story of my life. Oh!
[siren wailing]
[tires screeching]
[siren stops] michaels here, uh,
He's six months in.
[chuckles]
He's young, but the force is strong with this one.
[as yoda] learning you are, young padawan.
[as yoda] thank you very much.
[cops chuckle]
[normal voice] that's yoda.
Michaels: Are you familiar with yoda?
From attack of the clones?
Woman [over radio]: We have a 245 at east 24
And montgomery, bailey's bar and grill.
Car 98 on it.
See, michaels, you always take a call at a bar because,
Uh, better or worse, you get a beer out of it.
Wow.
Pretty sweet, huh? True that.
Amazing thinking. Hey, mclovin.
We got a situation at bailey's,
So, uh, we'll drop you off after, all right?
Actually, I kinda have
To be somewhere-- sweet.
Sit tight. Set course
For bailey's bar and grill,
Warp 10.
Engage.
[siren wailing]
[cops chuckle]
Yeah.
Welcome to the thunderdome.
[sighs]
Evan: Hey, man, are you sure it's cool that we're here with you?
Oh, definitely, man.
I'm essentially best friends with the guy,
So a bunch of my buds are coming.
Don't worry. We're gonna rock out with our cocks out.
Just kidding. We are gonna rock out.
[whispering] just go, just go.
What's up? What's up? What's up?
[rock music playing over speakers]
Hello, hello. Hey, guys.
[indistinct chatter]
# will I come again now baby? #
# like a dark... #
This is something a smart person wouldn't do.
Look, just act cool and act casual, and try and look old.
We'll get the booze and get the fuck out of here, okay?
Man: Hey, dude.
[mouths words]
[coughs]
Hey. Where the party at?
Right? Man 2: You got those shots, bro.
All right. They're coming, they're coming.
Man 3: To mark's party.
Come on, come on! [men howling]
Do it up.
[groans]
Man 4: All right, what am I doing? What am I doing?
Hey, we should just grab one of these buckets and leave.
Are you out of your mind?
How are we gonna get a fucking bucket out?
Dude, what the fuck? Hey, man.
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
What are you--? What? Nothing. Nothing.
Mark: You using my phone?
What do you think you're doing?
Hang on. Nothing.
What's your-- what's your--
What's wrong? You weren't--
You weren't invited. Mark--
Get the fuck out of here.
Come on, mark. It's cool, man.
You using my fucking phone?
You calling your fucking friends again?
You calling your friends. Your fantastic friends?
No. I mean, yes. But I mean, i'll-- i'll--
Come on, man. Just relax. Huh?
Mark, please. Huh? Huh?
Get the fuck out of my house. Mark, man!
Mark, come on, man! Get the fuck out of my house!
This is my house. Don't be such a dick, man!
[indistinct shouting]
What the fuck?
Mark! You really wanna do this, man?
You really wanna do this?
Here we go. We're really gonna do this?
[all shouting]
Man: That's right, motherfucker.
Come on, pussy. Get up, dude.
Oh, shit. I'm sorry, bro. I'm sorry, bro. I'm sorry, bro.
Tiger got out of the cage, man.
All right? I'm sorry. Come on, mark.
Let's just chill. Everyone just chill out.
Truce, man.
Oh!
All: Oh!
Man: Right in the nads!
Mark: This is for your friends.
Here. Have another one.
Shit. Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit.
Oh, my god. What do we do?
Fuck that. Come on! Come on! Choose one.
We need to slip out the back, man.
Wait, wait. Come on. We're here.
Let's just hurry up and do this.
Are you crazy, man? You wanna end up like that guy?
Not me. I need my nuts, man, for a lot of things.
We need this liquor. You need it. I don't need it.
I'm just gonna tell becca how I feel,
And then maybe she'll get with me, okay?
I'm not gonna get her drunk out of her mind.
Oh, really? Then how come you never made a move, you pussy?
Because I respect her, seth.
I'm not gonna put unfair pressure on her.
Come on. I don't see a problem. Let's just do it.
We're leaving, okay? You wanna get killed for liquor?
No, but I would get killed for pussy, no questions asked.
Fuck this, man.
You're just gonna bail on me?
I'm going.
Fucking bitch.
Slater [over loudspeaker]: Move, people.
Thank you.
Oh, I love this place.
[indistinct shouting]
What the hell is going on in there?
If the bullets start flying, hit the deck.
Man 1: You pissed everywhere, you son of a bitch!
Man 2: Everywhere? You didn't see me pissing anywhere.
Hey, sir, I don't know what you're talking about.
Take your nuts out of your shells.
All right, michaels, I got your back.
Why don't you show this rummy how we roll?
10-4.
Excuse me, sir. Stop what you are doing at once.
[shouting]
Blue guys! Resisting. Resisting!
Whoa!
Slater! Michaels!
Everybody stay calm!
[crowd screaming]
Everybody stay calm. Get the fuck out of my way!
Stay calm! Fuck!
Should I shoot him? No, no, no, no, no, no! No!
Stop him, mclovin!
Slater: Mclovin, stop him! Do it, do it, do it, do it!
[yelling]
Ow! Please stop it, you fucking bum.
What the fuck?!
[groans]
Ah!
Oh... Whew.
Mclovin! Nice!
He just came at me. I took him down.
Slater: I'm buying you a beer, mclovin!
I'm buying you one too. You guys take note.
That's how you take down a motherfucker.
Slater: That's right!
Mclovin in the fucking house!
[rock music playing over speakers]
Hey.
You dance hot.
Thank you.
[cell phone vibrating] [whimpers]
Oh. Oh...
Okay, okay. Here we go.
Hello?
[over phone] evan, it's becca.
Oh, becca. Hi.
[static over phone]
Hey. Hello. Hey. Becca. Becca--
Evan, can you hear me?
Hello?
Can you--? Piece of shit! What?
Guy sells me a piece of shit fucking phone.
Becca?
It's becca.
I get one bar everywhere I fucking go.
What is he saying?
Fucking asshole.
I think--
What happened?
Son-of-a-fucking-bitch company.
What? It's rude. Hello? Fuck. You suck.
Bullshit phone. Piece of shit.
I swear i'll bitchslap you so fucking hard.
What? Bec--?
[phone beeps]
# straight up, honey i'm askin' #
# most of these niggas think they'd be mackin' #
# but they be actin' #
# who they attractin' with that line #
# "what's your name? What's your sign?" #
# soon as he buy that wine I just creep up from behind #
# and ask you what your interests are #
# who you be with? #
# things to make you smile what numbers to dial #
# you gonna be here for a while i'm gonna go call my crew #
# you go call your crew #
# we can rendezvous at the bar around 2 #
# I love it when you call me big poppa #
# throw your hands in the air if you's a true player #
# I love it when you call me big poppa #
# to the honeys gettin' money playin' niggas like dummies #
# yeah, uh #
[song fades]
Thanks.
This is fucking crazy.
Hey! Look what fell off the truck!
[all cheering]
Man: You're full of shit.
Yeah, I know.
[laughing]
Dude. Dude. We're so gonna get fucked up.
[chuckles]
All right.
Hey.
What is that?
Uh...I don't know. What?
That fucking stain on your pants, idiot.
What is that?
What are you talking about, man?
Dude. Is that blood?
What the fuck is that?
Are you bleeding?
I'm not cut or anything. Why would I be bleeding?
It's fucking blood, man.
Were--? Were you dancing with some chick in there?
Yeah, so?
It's blood.
Dude, it's not funny.
It's blood, dude.
But why would I be bleeding? Why the fuck would I be bl--?
Dude, why would there be bl--?
[man laughing]
Oh, fuck. Oh, my god.
[gagging]
Oh, shit. I'm gonna fucking throw up.
Someone perioded on my fucking leg?
Oh, shit.
What the fuck do I do?
I've never before seen that in my life!
This is so disgusting.
Yes, it is. I'm gonna go get bill.
He's gotta check this out. Oh, fuck, yeah.
No. Who's bill? What the--? Don't tell bill!
Bill has nothing to do with this!
Hey, calm down. Calm down.
Let me get a picture of that real quick.
No, you can't have a picture! Dude, stop!
Bill, bill! Check it out!
This kid's got period blood on his slacks.
It's merlot. That's what you don't get.
Hey, pat! This jerk-off's got period blood on his pants!
Pat: God, man, let me see.
Oh, my god, that's a fucking man-gina, man.
Hey, do you need a tampon? I could--
Wait, wait. I have one! I have one!
Yeah, right? I don't know.
I gotta wash this merlot off. Is this the line?
What does it look like? Fuck me, right?
[rock music playing over speakers]
Michaels: "uh, yeah, i'm mclovin. I'd like to buy some--"
All: Oh!
Shit. Rewind, rewind.
Slater: Rewind it. Yeah!
So hard. Do it again.
All: Oh!
Your legs lifted off the ground.
Oh, my god. That is bona fide badass, man.
Oh, you gotta keep that tape, mclovin. It-- it is badass.
It really is. Really?
Well, don't you guys, like, need it for, like, evidence?
No. The only thing that's evidence of
Is you can take a hit like a champ, man.
Seriously. Take that. Oh, uh--
Are there any ladies we'd like to show this tape to?
No.
You don't wanna meet a chick in a bar, man. Seriously.
That was a major turning point in my life,
Is when I realized that.
You gotta go to other places.
You gotta go to a spin class, a farmers' market,
Pumpkin patch, given the time of year.
Just somewhere social, non-threatening.
You know, something like that.
Yeah, I met the missis at paintball.
Yeah, I shot her in the neck. And we just...
And we just hit it off, you know.
My first wife-- who is a whore, by the way
--Where do you think I met her?
A bar. A bar.
[whispers] it was this bar.
It was this bar.
Yeah, it was this bar.
Bought her a binion's,
Complimented her on her tote bag,
And next thing I know, she's...
Putting her mouth around the tip of my penis.
Uh, don't-- you don't have to tell me that.
Right in there.
She opened up my world, sexually.
On our wedding night, we had, uh, group sex.
I mean, I wasn't involved in it.
But I-- I could hear it through the wall. I was.
She was amazing.
And then it was exactly 23 months later
That I found out that she was an actual whore.
We discovered her on the street.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Slater: She was bad. Fucking whoring bitch.
But you got a new wife now, so...
Yeah... Yeah, yeah. Yeah!
And, uh, she is wonderful.
Nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You'll meet her.
You know what? I bet I know your trick, mclovin.
You play the whole myst--
Woman [over radio]: Calling all units.
Armed and dangerous man in the vicinity.
Just turn that off.
Man: Send backup! There's so much blood--
I bet you play the whole mysterious-guy thing, right?
Yeah, seriously. How's it going with the ladies?
Um... Uh...
It's not the going with the ladies I care about,
Heh, it's the coming.
Heh.
I get it! [laughing]
What is it? What is it?
Like: Blaah! Like coming.
Oh!
[all laugh]
Michaels: That's funny.
Oh, my god. That is really funny.
Whoo! Tshh.
All right, uh, looks like we got a call.
We can't pay for these. 10-4.
We'll be right there.
Speedy gonzales, let's go.
We should get some road beers.
Hell, yeah, we should get some road beers.
Can I have 13 beers to go, please?
Please! God, my fucking leg.
[bottles rattling]
[#]
Fuck.
[phone beeping]
[cell phone ringing] [all giggling]
Becca: I think it's him. Shh. Oh, is it him?
Uh, hello? Evan [on phone]: Hey, becca.
Hi, I had a bad reception. So... Um...
About your goldslick...
Oh, guys, shut up.
Hey, what's going on over there?
Oh, it's nothing. It's just--
Um, I was just calling, you know,
To see if you were coming,
'cause I thought maybe you were stuck at,
Like, a nightclub,
Or a cocktail party or something.
Ha. No, no, I-i'm gonna be there f-for sure.
Full throttle.
Charlie's angels 2. Becca: Awesome.
I can't wait to see you. Evan? Okay, bye.
Man: ...That was the first time I ever did coke.
Off that bitch's nipple. That was so--
Man 2: Snow white sniff. Man: That was awesome.
That was gorgeous.
Man 3: Hey, hey, hey. You guys, stay in this room, man.
They're gonna kill that guy tonight.
That chick's boyfriend is pissed.
Yeah. And he's a beast.
I've been praying for a fight.
Literally waking up every morning and praying
To see a fucking fight. Man: Fucking wacko.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Who's that guy?
Hi. Who is that guy?
Who's this guy? Pleasure to see you, fellas.
Everyone.
Who are you? I'm nobody.
No, no, no. I know you. I know you.
He was at that party with me. The one I was telling you about.
No, no. Who is it?
Remember? He's jimmy's brother. The guy. The singer.
No. He's the guy
With the beautiful voice I was telling you about.
The fucking singer, jimmy's brother!
That's not me, man.
Oh, my god. Sing for us. Sing.
"it's not me"? You fucking lying?
No, I don't mean to accuse you guys
Of being ill-informed, but--
My brother came from scottsdale, arizona to be here tonight.
You're not gonna sing for him?
Fucking bullshit. Man: Sing.
You're a fucking singer.
You sing and you sing good.
Man: Sing it again. Like a bird.
No, I know, I just-- I want to.
You want a line of cocaine? No way, man.
Yeah. Don't make this weird. Sing.
Man 2: Sing it again. Man 4: Turbo.
[rock music playing over radio]
[air hissing]
Slater: Fuck! Over?
Michaels: Okay, watch this. I'll get it right on the nose.
You're gonna fuck it up. You're gonna fuck it up. Bugger!
Under! [both laugh]
I feel hammered. That doesn't make any sense.
You're a fucking pussy. Okay, okay. Great, great.
Okay, mclovin,
See if you can do it.
Kid's gonna nail it. Come on.
Do it, buddy. Come on, buddy!
Bring it. 0.08. Booya, motherfuckers!
Man! [laughing]
Slater: That's my boy!
Beginner's luck. Beginner's luck.
So, what's it like to have guns?
Mmm. It is awesome, mclovin.
I mean, it's mindbl-- it's great.
I haven't had one for long, a few months,
But i'll tell you, it's like having two cocks.
Yep.
If one of your cocks could kill someone.
[both laugh]
Can--? Can I hold one?
Slater: What?
Can I hold one of your guns?
Yeah, sure. Fine with me.
[chuckling] why not?
Everyone should hold a gun at least a couple times.
Oh, yeah, there you go. [gun cocks]
Have a blast. "have a blast."
That's funny.
I've never held one of these before.
Are they hard to shoot?
Uh, well, if you're michaels, they are.
What? He can't shoot worth dick.
I can shoot. What are--? Wait.
You think I can't shoot worth dick?
Slater: I tell you, you cannot.
I shot that cat last week. It was already dead, man.
I still shot it. That cat was dead.
There's only one way to settle this, guys.
Michaels: Shoot-off. Shoot-off.
Shoot-off! Slater: Shoot-off!
[all cheering]
Dude, there's a lot of reasons why I like you.
I mean, you're handsome.
And you're a good friend.
Dude, there he is.
That's the guy. Hey, mark.
Right there.
Oh, you got a stain too.
We're blood brothers.
Shut the fuck up.
You're in my house. You answer my questions.
Where were you doing dancing with jacinda?
Wh--
I don't even dance. I-- I just--
I don't-- I don't even dance ever, so that's--
I don't even try it. Then where the hell
Does this come from, asshole?!
Maybe you and I rubbed up against each other
At some point in time.
I don't remember. Maybe it was
Some sort of ricochet scenario.
I don't know. How should I know?
Kick his ass, mark.
Shut the fuck up, scarlett.
Where do you get off
Dancing with my fianceé?
# these eyes # # do-do do-do-do #
# do-do do-do #
# cry every night # # do-do do-do-do #
# for you # # do-do do-do #
# these arms # # do-do do-do-do #
# wa-wa #
# they long to hold you #
# hold you again # # ba-da ba-da-ba #
# do-do-do #
# the hurting's on me, yeah #
Talk about the hurting.
# and I will never be free no, no, no, no #
Woo. Yeah.
# you gave a promise to me yeah #
# and you broke it #
She broke it. # you broke it #
# lady, you broke it # # do-do, do-do-do #
# these eyes #
# are crying #
# these eyes have seen a lot of love #
# but they're never gonna see another one #
# like I had with you #
# ba-da ba-da-ba ba-ba ba-da ba-da-ba #
# these eyes #
# are crying # yeah.
# these eyes have seen a lot of love #
# but they're never gonna see another...You #
[knocking]
Yo! Fight! Move it.
Go, check this out! Oh, fuck!
What the hell is this? Hm?
Hm?
I don't fucking-- it's detergent.
Yeah, what are you doing with it?
Fucking blood on my pants.
Whoa.
Get down!
[screams]
What the fuck is this all about, man? Are you--?
Well, fuck me.
Fellas. Ah!
Oh, shit, i've been tackled by little girls!
[screaming]
You die! You're next! Oh!
[screams]
Woman: I should fucking kill you,
You motherfucker!
[screams]
Hold him, jimmy's brother! Hold him!
What do you mean "hold him"? No. No way.
You humiliated me. I'm sorry!
You used my leg as a tampon.
I'm calling the cops.
Evan! Come on!
Move!
Seth: Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.
Yeah. Fifth and paysview.
Hurry.
Mark, I called the cops. You should hide your gun.
Slater: You're a fucking pussy.
Fogell: Don't listen to him, officer.
Slater: If you make this, we're no longer friends, michaels.
You're a fucking pussy. Cheating. You're cheating.
Ah, fuck me. There you are!
Suck on my nuts, slater! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Slater: All right, that was a lucky shot.
That was a lucky shot.
Wa-bam! I rule!
All right. I got jizzed on. All right.
Can I shoot one? Here, go nuts. Go nuts.
Have a good time, babe. [panting]
Empty the clip. Empty the clip on it, man.
[siren blaring] shit! The cops!
The cops! Bail, bail, bail!
Shotgun, shotgun. Damn it!
Michaels: No. Shotgun.
[engine revs]
[tires squealing]
Whoooooo! [laughing]
[yelling]
What a rush.
What do you guys wanna do?
Man, let's get drunk. Let's get more fucked up!
Slater: You're fucking living the dream, michaels.
Michaels: Oh, man.
This is gonna be the best night ever.
Woman [on radio]: We've got a 257 at fifth and paysview.
Shit. All units in the area report
To fifth and paysview.
Car 98, that's you.
Fuck. Do it.
Shit. Shit.
Car 98 on it. You dumb fucking whore.
Hey, did she say we're gonna get
To, like, shoot somebody or something?
Michaels: Oh, god, I wish.
Nah, it's probably some lame house party.
We'll drop you off after. That cool?
Yeah, man. Let's show these fuckers how we roll!
[all laughing]
[coughs]
[panting]
You fucking prick.
What?
You bailed on me.
I didn't bail on you.
Yeah, you did.
You said you were gonna do something,
And you didn't do it.
That's bailing.
You're the one that dragged me to that fucking party
With those lunatics, man.
I didn't bail on you.
You bailed on me, okay?
You bailed on me this morning when jesse spat on me,
And you're bailing on me next year.
Fuck--? It finally comes out. That's good, man.
We were supposed to go to college together, evan.
Since we were kids, since elementary school,
That's all we've ever talked about,
Was us going to college together,
And you got into fucking dartmouth.
You're making me feel like i'm a bad guy.
Like-- what am I--? I didn't do anything wrong.
I got into a good school.
How the fuck am I supposed to get into dartmouth?
You knew I couldn't get in.
How fucking selfish are you?
You had no problem letting fogell take the fall back there,
You don't want me going to a good school.
Fuck, man! So, what the fuck do you want?
I'm not gonna let you slow me down anymore, seth.
What are you saying?
I've wasted the last three years of my life
Sitting around talking bullshit with you, man.
Instead of chasing girls and making friends,
I've just sat around wasting all my time with you.
And now i'm going to college a fucking friendless virgin.
Is this about becca? This is about some girl, man?
I like her. Who gives a fuck?
She's some fucking girl.
Gonna go out with her for two years? What about after?
Fuck you, man. You're a piece of shit.
Fuck you!
And next time you're pissed off about something,
Don't keep it inside for 10 years,
Say it like a fucking man!
Don't touch me. Fuck you!
# these eyes... #
Slater: Hey, mclovin, are the numbers on your side odd or even?
I don't know. It's too dark to see.
We got flashlights.
Oh, that's true.
# these arms #
Bing.
# long to hold you... #
Michaels: Where the fuck are we?
Hey, slater. What's that?
[imitates lightsaber]
[as darth vader] slater.
[imitating lightsabers]
[laughs]
[as emperor palpatine] now, young michaels, you will die.
[imitating lightsabers]
All right. Come on, stop it. What, you can't see?
You can't see. I can't see. Fuck it.
How you like it? Hey, fuck off, that hurts.
You stop first. Not until you stop.
Stop it, asshole. Hey, you stop.
Seth: Fuck you, evan!
Evan: Don't fucking touch me.
[screaming]
[whimpers]
Why did you do that?
You shone a light in my face.
I'm driving.
We were playing lightsabers. Excuse me.
[grunts] fogell: Oh, my god.
Are you guys gonna make sure he's...Okay?
Go out there and check on him. Michaels: You check.
You go out there. Fuck that. You go.
Balls.
Okay. We'll both go out there and check on him.
I can't believe this is happening again.
What are the odds?
Is everyone okay?
Seth: Yeah, we're great, thanks.
Hey, hey.
Where's the love?
H-he's okay. He's fine.
Stand over next to your friend.
Get over there. I got 'em.
You got these guys? Mm-hm.
Slater: You boys doing a bit of drinking tonight?
No, officer. Not at all. Not-- we--
We found those.
Slater: I don't believe you.
[cops conversing indistinctly]
Freeze. Stand right there.
We're telling the truth. Slater: Keep it going.
Don't be a hero tonight, guys. Michaels: Wrong night for that.
This is your fault. You've gotta
Fucking take care of this. No, look.
I am not fixing your mistakes again, okay?
Fuck that. Shit.
Well, I don't want to get shit-canned.
I happen to like this job. I like this job too.
I get free here, 'cause i'm not taking the fall. Okay.
We're gonna arrest these two little dipshits, okay?
And we're gonna pin it on them.
Yeah. Do what you have to do.
Spread your shit! Get on the ground!
Loaded gun, ready to go.
Spread your shit. Pussies on the pavement, fellas.
Come on!
Please, don't shoot, sir.
"p-please, don't shoot."
Just shut up and spread your shit!
I am the law, okay?
Now hold hands.
What? Why?
Because you don't want an asshole where your face
Used to be, "whaling" jennings.
Hold his fucking hand!
Just fucking hold my hand.
Slater: There.
That's not so hard, is it?
Michaels: Here, mclovin, have a cigarette.
Smoke up. Life's short, you know?
Suck it in, my friend.
Suck it long and deep.
[coughing]
Enjoy it.
[sighing] mclovin, mclovin, mclovin, mclovin.
You like officer slater and myself?
Yeah. You guys-- you guys are awesome.
Thanks.
We really like you too, mclovin.
So here's what's about to happen.
We're gonna arrest these two guys,
And you're gonna write a witness report
Saying they leapt in front of our car
Like madmen, and there was nothing we could do
To avoid them. Sound cool?
Yeah, that's fine. Good.
Slater: That's good. Pretend he's your little sista.
Your little sista with the...
[speaks gibberish]
[whistles]
[speaking indistinctly]
What the fuck?
[#]
[muted coughing]
[muted] fagell?
Shit! Shit!
Seth: Run! Run!
Wait.
Hold on, I gotta get all the booze.
Seth, wait up!
Mclovin bailed!
Chase the kid!
[panting]
Stop!
[cries out]
[bum muttering] [screams]
[panting]
[gasps]
That is one fast kid.
Bum: I want a ride, you hear me?!
You can't unarrest me!
[bum yells]
Slater: Mclovin!
Come on.
Mclovin!
Slater: Mclovin! Why?!
Mclovin, come back!
Kid 1: Ow, my hand! Monster!
Kid 2: Nicole. Nicole, get daddy.
Get daddy. Get daddy!
[kids shouting]
Oh, shit. Get away from my kids!
[yells]
You sick sons of bitches!
[cries out]
Ow! What the fuck?!
[groans]
Michaels, are you okay?
It's just beer. Give me a break.
It's just beer.
Aw, man up. What happened? What, did you lose him?
[panting] he's a freak.
He's the fastest kid alive.
This is not good.
He's the fastest kid alive.
"fastest kid alive" my ass. Come on. What are we gonna do?
I'll shoot my gun in the air.
[gunshot]
Give me a fucking warning before you do it.
I'll scare him out of wherever he's hiding.
This isn't gonna do shit.
Shh. Shh. Get in the car. Get in the car.
This is your fault, you piece of--
[gunshot]
Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. They shot seth.
They fucking shot seth, I know it.
Holy shit. [footsteps approaching]
Holy shit. Holy shit.
[all scream]
Should I run? Yes!
Fogell: Fuck. Stop! Seth: Stop the bus!
Stop it! It's stopping.
Oh, thank god.
Hey, evan, pay for me, please.
Evan: That's me and him.
Bum: Hey, hey!
It's you.
Mcmuffin.
You know this guy? It's--
Ain't got no cop people to help you keep your booze now, do you?
Hey! Back the fuck up, man! Gimme it.
Or i'll beat the shit out of you!
Give me the booze.
Seth [muted]: Hey. Back the fuck up.
Back the fuck up. Back the fuck up.
Evan [muted]: Please, please, calm down, sir.
[#]
Evan: Gooooldsliiiick!
Bus driver: Get off the bus, or i'm calling the cops.
[tires screech]
Eat shit, bum.
Oh, shit, guys. We're three blocks away, man.
We made it. We made it with the booze and everything.
We made it.
Hold this.
I can't believe you still have the liquor.
It's awesome.
Fogell: Yeah, I told you the idea would work.
I fooled those cops.
I'm mclovin. Whoo!
I am mclovin.
Whoo!
Why do you guys have detergent?
I don't understand why you were smoking cigarettes
With those cops.
Because I fucking rule.
Aw, we are so gonna get laid tonight.
Seth: I am. I'm gonna get laid.
Fogell: We're finally gonna get our drinks on.
Chicka-chicka. Yeah.
I can't believe becca's bottle broke.
I'm sure it'll be fine. Yeah.
I thought you didn't need it.
You were gonna tell her how you feel.
Good luck getting jules drunk enough to have sex with you.
What's wrong with you guys? Nothing.
You two femmes can talk about it next year
At your little slumber party.
Oh, you told him.
Told me what?
Yeah. You're an idiot, fogell.
Well, we gotta tell him now. No, we--
Well, he knows something's up.
What are you guys talking about? Tell me right now.
Seth, me and evan are rooming together next year.
What's the big deal?
"oh, my god, fogell's rooming with evan."
Jeez, why don't you go cry about it?
I didn't tell you because--
Seth: 'cause you're a backstabber?
And you lied to your best friend,
And you just don't care anymore?
I didn't expect this from you, evan.
Not from you.
Give me that booze, fagell.
We never should have had to hide our arrangement.
[the roots' "here I come" playing over speakers]
[indistinct rapping] [crowd chattering]
Seth's here. Seth, you're here.
Hi. Everybody, seth has got it.
[all cheering]
# the sheriff out front gonna sic the dogs in #
# that nigga talkin' 'bout he got warrants #
# you better come out with your hands up #
# we got you surrounded i'm in the back #
# changing my outfit he said, "blink" #
# we gonna send the hounds in I said, "wait" #
# 'cause here I come here I come, here I come #
# you boys get ready 'cause here I come #
# here I come, here I come #
Gaby: Evan. Gaby, hey.
Where have you been? You almost blew it.
What are you talking about?
Becca. She's been waiting for you.
She's over there.
She's way smashed.
And she's been yammering about you all night.
Really? What was she saying?
S-she-- she told you that she thinks i'm a good guy?
[snickers]
No, no. She said something more like:
"I will fully blow him tonight."
What?
[laughing] I know.
[laughs]
Yeah.
Evan: But she's totally hammered, and if I get with her
And i'm not drunk, isn't that, like, unethical?
Oh. Not if you're drunk too.
I guess-- uh...
To seth. All: To seth!
All right.
Who the fuck is seth?
I'm seth!
[all cheer]
Let's do another one to me.
[all cheer]
[sighing] oh, boy.
Calm down. Calm down, man.
Calm down. She likes you.
She wants to suck on your penis.
It's a good thing.
It's the best...
Thing.
[sniffs]
[softly] just down the hatch.
[whimpers]
["i'm your boogie man" playing]
# late afternoon #
# or at midnight it's never too soon #
# to wanna take you to wanna hold you #
# I wanna give me all to you #
# and I want you to completely understand #
# just where i'm at and where I am... #
Fogell. 'sup?
# i'm your boogie man i'm your boogie man #
# turn me on #
# i'm your boogie man i'm your boogie man #
# do what you want #
# i'm your boogie man i'm your boogie man #
# turn me on #
# i'm your boogie man i'm your boogie man #
# do what you want #
# i'm your boogie man... #
[groaning] oh.
[gags]
# whatever I can #
# be it early mornin' #
# late afternoon #
# or at midnight... #
[all cheering]
# to please you... #
[indistinct chatter]
[slurring] evan, hey. Evie, come here.
Can you please help me up?
I fell down, and these assholes won't help me up.
Shit. Oh.
Uh, thank you.
I have been waiting for you for, like, ever.
What took you so long? Oh, I know, it--
No, I can't even-- oh, do you--?
Do you have my goldslick?
Oh, it's such a crazy story, okay?
I-I-- I swear I was--
It doesn't even matter.
Look. Look what we-- hm?
We can just drink this.
Here. Oh, no.
You could have a drink.
I'm already pretty wasted. Take a drink!
Okay, here's to...You. This is to becca.
To becca.
To the respecting-- guys.
--Women.
To...
People respecting women.
Okay.
[chuckling] yeah.
[gulps]
You're a lightweight.
[whispering] um, hey.
Mm?
You and me...We should go upstairs, 'cause, um--
'cause I need to tell you something.
Okay?
[laughing] oh, you could just tell me here, I mean...
I can't tell you because...It's a secret.
For you. [laughs]
From me. All right.
So, come. Come on.
Bye, guys! Bye.
Bye-bye. Bye.
[all cheer and laugh]
[hip-hop music playing over speakers]
You changed your name to mclovin?
Wow.
That's so cool. Thanks.
So, like, what's hawaii like?
Hm?
Jules: All right. I am back.
I had to thank the peeps for coming out, you know.
Jules. [laughs]
I want you to have a drink with me.
Just drink some of this. You're gonna love it.
I-- you're tot-- I know
You're gonna love it.
You know, I-- it's green beer...
For your information.
You know, i'm actually good...
Right now. Thank you.
And, uh, thank you very much
For bringing everything, again.
Seriously. It really made the night, so...
No, that's how I roll. That's the thing.
It's no problems. You'll learn that.
[laughs]
I love talking...
And conversing with you.
But I can't hear you, though,
'cause the music is so loud.
So...Do you wanna go outside and--
And talk more?
Um...
[chuckling] yeah. Sorry, sure.
You know, why not? Let's do it.
I haven't conversed in ages.
Okay. Ladies--
Ladies first. Okay.
Thank you very much.
No problem. Watch your step.
I fell earlier today.
Jules: Are you serious? Well, I was hit by a car.
It's a long story.
[laughing] oh, shit. Be careful.
Okay, well...
So loud. Mmm.
Don't let the parents hear.
[gasping] you look so pretty.
Are you okay?
I so flirt with you in math.
Tell me about it. I-- samesies.
I--
I've wanted to tell you for so long...
That you're the best...Girl. I know.
[whispers] i've wanted to get with you, like, so...Hard.
[laughs nervously]
Like, so hard.
[becca moans]
You're the best.
[silly voice] we'll take this sweater off. I think so.
Just be careful, 'cause it's a meaningful sweater to me.
It's vintage. Okay.
Bought it at that...
Vintage market. Just hurry.
[grunts] and this one.
It's off.
Oh, hey-- wait, careful. [grunting]
Aah! Oh, shit.
Oh, my... Put that there.
Now, lookie, lookie... Okay.
Oh, my gosh. ...What I got for you
Under here. You are the prettiest girl
This side of the mississippi. # I have a little something #
# for you under here #
You look so pretty. And...
Look so pretty. # doo-doo #
...Under there.
Hello. Heh.
# doo-doo-da-doo for you #
# doobie-doo do-doo-doo-doo #
Whoo!
Oh, you're-- it's the best.
You're so...Unique.
Come here.
Evie, kiss me.
I like you so much.
Come on, mclovin.
I've never been with an older guy before.
Well, it's...Way better.
[giggles]
I know, we made some kick-ass tiramisu earlier.
It was deli-- it looked weird.
But it was delicious.
[gasps] whoa!
[laughs] what--?
What's wrong?
I ju-- um...
I would prefer if we would just do that at, um...
At some other...Time.
No, there is no other...Time.
School is up.
What's wrong with right now? Well, I mean, you're--
You're drunk.
[laughs] you're, like, really,
Really-- so? You're drunk.
You're drunk, jules.
Yeah, uh, um, i'm actually-- i'm not...Drunk at all.
I don't even drink. So it's-- I mean...
[laughs]
Jules, you drink. You drink.
Everybody-- you-- you had me get liquor.
So you drink. It's like...
Uh, well, yeah, 'cause i'm throwing a party, remember?
'cause other people drink, and so I just--
You don--?
You don't wanna...
You know?
Not...Uh, right now.
You know, not while...
You're drunk.
But, you know, thank you.
[laughing] no, thank you.
[becca moans]
Evan. Evan. Hm?
I'm so wet.
Oh, yeah. Mmm.
Oh, yeah, they said that would happen
In health...When I learned about it.
Yeah. Yeah.
They taught me about--
Oh!
Who's down there?
Yeah, it's your hand.
[panting]
Ha-ha-ha!
Oh... Thank you.
That's good. You have such a smooth cock.
Thank you. You would too, if you were a man.
You got such a smooth...Chest.
I am gonna give you...
The best blow-j ever...
With my mouth. Uh--
[muffled] um, why don't we just--
Why don't we just kiss a while, instea--?
Why don't we just keep kissing-- okay.
--For a bit, cause-- instead of--
[laughs]
How badly do you wanna fuck me?
Jesus christ. Heh.
Jesus, fuck.
What? Hang on a sec. One second.
I don't think you wanna do this.
You're really drunk.
No, i'm not. I-- I am not drunk.
I see that you are. And I--
I think you are. I really--
[whispers] I want you inside me.
I want you to be my first. I want you inside me.
Uh-- so just-- just go with it.
Wha-- what? Let it happen.
Oh. I know, but...
This is kind of intense.
Um, and I just-- i'm just so drunk--
I can't even, like, process this.
And, um... You're really pretty.
And I just think, this isn't how I pictured it.
I don't understand why you have to be
Such a little bitch about it.
You just call me a bitch?
Yes. A scared--
See, I-- like, I think we're not thinking clear--
Ah, holy shit! Oh, my god.
Go get gaby!
I'll go get her.
[groaning] oh, god. Oh, god.
[vomits]
Go get gaby, please.
[gasps]
[gasping]
I got a boner. Heh.
[laughing] good.
Do you have a condom?
Yes.
And lube. Heh.
[laughs]
Seth.
Uh, are--? Are you crying?
No, I just have s-- something in both my eyes.
I don't cry. Funny. You look-- you look--
It looks like you're crying.
So wha--?
It's my last chance, and I fucked it up, and--
Your last chance to do what?
To make you my girlfriend for the summer.
You're, like, the coolest person
That's ever talked to me.
I thought we'd both be drunk--
What does me being drunk have anything to do with it?
Never get with me if you were sober.
Look at you.
Look at me.
Seth. Come on, you didn't blow it.
I think maybe--
[thud] what the fuck?!
Help me.
Ow!
Shirley.
I'm sorry.
Michaels: Someone forgot to call pest control.
Slater: Yep.
Michaels: Where you going? Party's on.
Where you going? Oh, no.
If you're back there, get out.
Everyone, come on!
We will shoot you.
Michaels: Party's over. Evan?
Get the hell out of here. Keep your hands up.
[grunts]
[rap music playing over speakers]
Life's bullshit, miroki.
Ev, wake the fuck up, man.
We gotta go! Those fucking cops are here, man.
[knocking on door]
"oh, no, it's the cops."
Evan, come on!
Michaels: Get out of here right now.
Get out of here. She's not interested.
Drop the crantini. Move it, sister.
See ya, sugar tits.
Slater: Guys, come on, move! Everybody out.
Michaels: Leave the booze and go.
What the fuck, man?
What the fuck, seth?
He's my best friend. Oh, shit!
Oh, shit. Come on.
I assume you all have guns and crack.
[#]
[grunting] oh. Oh, my god.
Come on. Don't stop.
Whoa.
Michaels: Okay, everyone...
Prepare to be fucked by the long dick of the law.
Get out.
Come on, go.
[indistinct chatter]
Aah! Fuck off, seth!
[seth grunts]
[crowd laughs] boy: Get a room.
Seth: I'm gonna save you. I'm gonna save you, evan.
Fuck.
Ow.
Fuck. Fuck, man. So heavy.
[the coup's "pork and beef" playing over speakers]
# word #
# don't trust the police no justice, no peace #
# they got me facedown in the middle of the street #
It's in. Oh, my god, it's in.
All right, everybody out. Come on, let's go.
Mclovin!
Oh! [screams]
What the fuck?! Officer slater, is that you?
You ran away from us! Why'd you run away from us?
Michaels, get up here! No. I didn't run away.
What the fuck? I didn't run away. I--
Why would you do that?! I was just all disoriented--
Were you violating that girl?! No.
You just violated her with your penis?
Michaels, look. Mclovin!
No, no, no-- no. [door opens]
Whoa. [nicola yelps]
Holy shit. Were you just getting laid?
No. Well... Yeah, I was, but--
Yes. Yes, he was. [yells]
It's not what you think, guys.
I'm not-- sit the fuck down.
You sit the fuck down! Whoa. No.
I thought we were friends,
And then you go running away from me!
Michaels: Contain yourself!
Slater: We're friends!
Michaels: Shut up!
Calm down. Calm down, man. Why? What?
You just cock-blocked mclovin. [sighs]
Okay? He's our friend. We don't do that.
We should be guiding his cock, not blocking it.
Just relax, okay? Let's make this right.
[puffs on inhaler]
Wait, what are you--? What are you guys doing?
No, please, I can't-- I can't go to jail.
Please, I can't go to jail. [sighs]
No, look...
We're really sorry, mclovin.
This-- this is-- this has gone on--
This has gone way too far.
What? What are you talking about?
[sighs]
We know you're not 25, man.
We're not idiots, mclovin. Yeah.
Well, did you know the whole time?
Look...
When we were your age, we hated cops.
When we saw you in the liquor store,
We just--
I guess we saw a bit of ourselves, you know?
And, um...
We just wanted to show you
That, you know, c-cops can have a fun time too.
Yeah. You know?
You know, in a way...
I think we wanted to show ourselves.
Also, i'm--
I'm really sorry that I blocked your cock.
Apology accepted.
Seriously, man.
Michaels: Oh... Slater: That feels good.
Michaels: Oh, it feels so good. I missed you guys.
I just wish we could make it up to you somehow, man.
Well, do you think you can do me a really big favor?
What is it? Anything. Name it.
Slater: Kid's fucking crazy.
Michaels: Stay back for your own safety.
Get off me, you fucking cops! Get your hands off me!
Do you know who I am?! I'm fogell!
Aah! I'm-- the joint can't hold me!
Holy shit. Fogell's a badass.
Fogell: I am gonna break your glasses, you fucking cop.
You can't hold me! Jesse: Fucking pigs.
[spits] crowd: Oh!
Oh, shit. Oh!
[crowd groans]
Slater: Nice mullet, asshole.
You crazy! This kid's crazy. He's nuts!
Well, we caught the infamous fogell.
Get your hands-- wait for me, nicola!
Wait for me on the outside!
We were gonna go to hawaii.
Man, that's gonna get you so much ass.
Seriously?
I know what to do about the car.
Sweet.
Seth: Fucking go. Fucking throw up.
Are you carrying me?
No, i'm saving you from the cops.
You saved me?
Well, I don't know what you're talking about,
But thanks.
Can I--? Should I just walk?
[grunts] uh, should I walk?
Yeah, sure.
Okay.
Where do you wanna go?
[sighs]
Sleepover at my house?
You wanna come sleep?
Okay.
Does your mom still have pizza bagels?
Yeah. Lots. Pizza bagels.
[both laugh]
[siren wailing]
[tires screech]
So by signing this, you are officially saying
That as we stopped you from being mugged,
A crackhead stole our cruiser and did god knows what with it.
You cool to sign that? Of course.
I owe you guys my life.
We owe you, mc--
What's your real name again? Fogell.
Ah, fuck that. We're calling you mclovin.
Mclovin. [laughs]
Michaels: Let's do this dance, boys! [slater yells]
[van halen's "panama" playing over speakers]
[tires squealing]
[all screaming and laughing]
[tires screech]
[all yelling indistinctly]
Fogell: That was crazy!
[whooping]
# panama duh-duh-duh-duh-duh #
# panama all right #
All right, now, guys. Check this out.
Probably the greatest move in doughnut-spinning history.
You paying attention?
Behold, the upward-spiraling pigtail.
Michaels: Why is it called that?
I don't know! Ha-ha-ha!
[tires squeal]
Make the badge proud, slater.
Michaels: He's not usually this drunk when he does this,
But I think that could make it more cool.
[laughs]
Mclovin!
# panama #
[laughs]
# panama #
[yelling]
Oh, no.
Fuck.
[screaming]
Fogell: Oh!
Slater!
Fogell: Officer slater!
All right. Fucking crazy.
Let's do this.
Slater: Hurry, hurry, let's go. I'm going, i'm going.
Go, go. I'm going, i'm going.
[both laugh]
I'm out. I'm out. Here we go, here we go.
Yeah? Yeah, okay. Back up!
Slater: Don't blow yourself up, asshole.
Slater: Oh!
[all laugh]
Yes.
Slater: Oh, my god.
It worked. It worked!
Fogell: Whoo!
We won. We won.
[exhales]
Can we shoot at it?
I don't know. Can you?
[tittering]
Break yoself, fool!
[screaming]
[clicking]
Tight.
Listen. And then she said she was gonna give me a blow-j.
I can't believe she said that to you.
Man, you have no idea. What was she thinking?
You don't even know.
[grunts]
[sighs]
[soft music playing]
I gotta tell you.
I gotta tell you something, evan.
What?
I was in your room, like, three weeks ago,
While you were taking a shit.
And I saw your housing...
Like, forms.
So I knew you and fogell
Were gonna live together, you know.
I'm sorry, man, I don't know.
I should've told you.
I don't know why I didn't.
Don't-- no, don't be sorry. I should be sorry.
I was being a dick. I was being a big dick to you.
No, I-- uh--
Listen, seth, I want you to know,
I don't wanna live with fogell.
I never wanted to live with him.
I just don't-- I ha-- I--
I'm afraid to live with strangers.
I can't--
I can't do it.
[sighs]
I know. I know.
I can't believe you saved me.
You saved me. Heh.
I can't believe-- I owe you so--
You carried me.
I love you.
I love you, man.
I love you.
I'm not...Even embarrassed to say it. I just--
I lo-- I love you.
I'm not embarrassed. I love you.
It's like-- why don't we say that every day?
Why can't we say it more often?
I just love you. I just wanna go
To the rooftops and scream:
"I love my best friend, evan."
We should go up on my roof.
[whispering] for sure.
Like, when you went away for easter, wha--
On your vacation...
I missed you.
I missed you too.
I want the world to know.
It's-- it's-- it's the most beautiful thing
In the world.
Boop-boop-boop.
Come here. Come here, man.
[seth sighs]
[whispers] I love you.
What the fuck?
[sighs]
What up?
Morning. Morning.
[clears throat]
I should get moving. I should get moving.
I should be getting a move on, for "sho."
Yeah, you don't have-- I mean, you don't have to, you know.
I don't really have anything...Going on.
Uh, you don't have to rush off like that.
You wanna hang out?
I was, uh, gonna go to the mall.
I have to get, uh, a new comforter...
For college.
The mall, they would sell that.
Cool. So, uh...
Your mom's got huge tits.
What do you think?
I don't know, man. Don't ask me.
'cause I-I don't give a shit how pants look.
Yeah. I need someone's opinion.
Those are too tight. Heh.
Those are way too tight.
Yeah, but, like--
Way too tight. You need to upgrade.
Yeah, but-- not enough pants, where
There should be more pant there.
Yeah, but-- I mean...
Does it look weird?
Looks like you're standing funny.
Like, you wouldn't be standing like that.
Like a duck. Yeah, but i'm doing, like--
I'm doing, uh, college poses.
Like-- I don't know if you are.
You might just be doing...
Hey, prof... Okay.
...That test was, whoo!
Hey, susan. You look--
Are you gonna party tonight, or no?
Yeah, but it's just-- uh, it's, like, I wish
There were more pants w-wearing.
You know. Where there aren't--
But when I was wearing your dad's pants last night,
I realized that if I wear pants that are, like,
A little too small, it might encourage me
To lose a little weight.
And also chicks can kind of see,
Like, you know, the borders and outline of my dick a little.
Yeah, man. They go nuts for that.
The male camel toe.
Yeah, the camel tail. It's-- it's right--
I know where it is, where it happens.
Like, right there.
See-- it-- they're so tight that one ball is, like,
Above my dick, even.
Yeah, exactly. It's like three.
It's like a three thing. It's like ball, dick, ball.
It's like-- it's like a division sign.
It's like a bunch of people crammed into a van.
Uh, does my ass look weird?
It makes a lot of stuff look weird.
No. Those are way too tight.
You're right. These look stupid.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
Becca: I'm really sorry about that.
I can't believe I actually did that.
Did-- I feel bad that i'm making you buy me a new one.
It's seems, like, ridiculous.
No. I have to. It's puke.
It's gross. Oh, my god.
Do alcoholics get hangovers?
Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. It's them.
What the fuck do we do, man?
Don't stop. I don't know.
Hey. Hey.
How's it going? Hey.
[giggles]
It's so good to-- how are you feeling?
I've felt better. Heh.
But i'll be fine. How 'bout you?
I'm okay.
[mumbling]
D-did you have fun last night?
Uh...
You know, I actually don't remember much.
I don't remember anything. Heh.
So weird.
Nothing.
Becca: Um...
I didn't puke on you, did I?
Uh, you didn't. I remember that you--
I avoided it. It whizzed right by me, and I said,
"stay away from me," you know.
I'm really sorry about everything last night,
And I just...
Thank you for being such a nice guy about it all.
Oh, that's okay, you know.
At least you don't have a black eye from it.
[chuckles] I mean...
That looks terrible.
Yeah.
You look great. You don't look terrible.
It's just, like, a bad bruise.
Everything's great, just from he--
This, just like right there.
Your eye. Yeah, your eye.
Everything else is great.
But seriously, I--
I acted like a fucking idiot last night.
You don't deserve that.
So...I'm sorry.
On the upside,
I think you look cool with a black eye.
I'm just gonna throw that out there.
I don't-- I don't know.
Well, thank you, smart guy. Thanks.
That's actually, uh, why i'm here.
Because I have to get a ton of cover-up
For the, uh, grad photo.
Oh, man. Fuck.
And i'm gonna get jules a new comforter.
Oh, I have to get a comforter too. For college.
Oh, yeah? Evan: Yeah,
I just figured I would need one.
So, seth...
So do you wanna come buy me cover-up or something?
I mean, you kind of owe me.
Yeah, definitely. I would love to do that.
I ha-- I had, uh, such bad acne last year
That I pretty much became, like, an expert on the stuff.
Well, you drove.
E-evan drove me here, though, so...
Well, so, I-- well, I mean, I have-- I have my dad's car.
So I could just... Give you a lift,
And then evan could take becca home. Okay.
If that works. I don't know if it's in your route.
That would be fine with me.
Fine, yeah. Do-- maybe we can get some food.
Yeah, i'd like that.
So I guess i'll call you, then.
Yeah. Give me a call. Yeah, you have my number.
I have your information. So, uh, put her there.
Perfect. So, uh...
Good. Uh, all right, man.
Okay. Okay, guys.
Becca. Evan: Bye, guys.
Bye, have fun. See you, jules.
Yeah, that's funny. Too funny.
Becca: Where do you wanna go to eat?
Jules: So can you honestly help me figure out
What kind of cover-up to get?
'cause, I mean, I don't know
If I should get, like, an oil-based kind...
[curtis mayfield's "p.S. I love you" playing]
# I guess i'll always feel the same #
# love is strange #
# oh, p.S. I love you, baby #
# I wouldn't have it any other way #
# as long as there's been a night and day #
# it's been you and your crazy ways #
# together, baby how can we lose? #
# always been to me, baby #
# a long-time friend #
# and I need you to find it #
# rediscover #
[lyle workman's "super what?" playing]
Oh, welcome to the party, baby.
Let me get my freak on.
Yeah. Are you ready?
Hit me now.
Oh, stroke that funk, mclovin.
Oh, stroke that funk. Yeah.
Mclovin in the house.
Burnin' up. Come on.
[moans]
What you drawing, baby?
Don't let the teacher see you.
[laughs]
I need some mclovin.
Yeah, baby.
Stroke that funk, mclovin.
Uh, superbad, baby.
Super what?
I said i'm superbad, baby.
Yeah, that's what i'm talking about.
# for mclovin, boy #
Are you mclovin it?
[laughs]
[#]
Seth [whispering]: I love you.
Subtitles by ARAVIND B [by_agentsmith@yahoo.com]